Before lent began, I had decided on a book called, "Give Up Worry for Lent." I wasn't exactly sure what I was looking for in choosing this devotional. For some reason though, the book was just really calling my name. So I ordered it and waited for lent to begin.
On February 26th lent began with Ash Wednesday. Today I looked back in my journal and my entry for Ash Wednesday says this: "I need to break myself from the things of this world so that I can grow in virtue and grow to love You more, Jesus." (Boy, did I get my opportunity!) I also remember sitting on my bed on that same Ash Wednesday, with my new book in hand, looking at it and thinking proudly (first mistake!), "I'm really going to do well with this!" I vividly remember thinking to myself, "We've been through a lot in the past 18 months. The devil is really going to have to work hard to make me worry. If I've made it through the loss of a baby and not one, but TWO layoffs in 18th months time, then not much can cause me worry now." I'm not lying to you...these are real thoughts I had! I thought we had really been through the trenches and I thought that through it all my faith had been strengthened to an unshakable degree and my tendency to worry had been mostly squashed.
And then....Covid 19. I was suddenly thrown some pretty unexpected ways to break myself from the ways of the world! I found myself unprepared to deal with something so new and blinded to the opportunity I was given. This pandemic was so unexpected. So unpredictable. So unknown. I was shaken and I didn't know how to handle myself in this new situation. I began to worry. A lot.
I've never once doubted that God would bring good from this. I've never once doubted God's existence. I've even taken opportunities to lift my struggles (fear) up to Jesus and have asked Him to unite myself to His cross so that I can grow to love Him more through this. In fact, one thing I've learned through our past losses is that through suffering we can grow closer to Jesus! I have experienced that and I know it to be true! But still, I have found myself recently failing. I have let that fear take hold of me, more often than I care to admit. I have fell victim to the devil and his sneaky ways. I have been pondering lent and the suffering that Jesus went through and I realize that the devil is using this fear to try to keep me away from the love of Christ. I asked for God to help me break myself from the things of this world. I was given a chance to really ponder God's desire for me in this time of quarantine and I nearly missed it! I didn't see this as a way to achieve the desires He had placed on my heart. Now I see it and I will be certain to use the rest of the time at home to continue to pray about this. I've also come to know that my journey with my weaknesses will never truly be over. I must be ready to battle fear with God so that I don't fall into old tendencies.
Today's reflection of "What are you looking for" is one that can help us all right now. What are we all looking for...When we turn on the news? When we read articles on social media? When we discuss the events with our friends? When we turn on a movie to hide from our thoughts? When we eat a cookie because it brings us temporary joy? What are we all looking for?
I can't speak for everyone but today I realized what I am looking for. I am looking for peace. I am looking for someone to say, "this was exaggerated and everything is just fine." I'm looking for comfort and assurance. Reading scripture today and the reflection to follow led me to realize, I'm looking for peace and I'm looking in all the wrong places. I'm looking for something that only God can give. Stay close to His word so that you don't lose sight of that like I did! Praise God for opening my eyes to this truth.
Here I am nearing the end of lent in very much a different place than I was when I started. Most days, I'm fighting more anxiety than I did when I started this devotional. Part of that due to the circumstances, but I'm certain the bulk of that is due to the fact that the closer I try grow to God, the harder the devil is working to take me down. Each day though, I make time for prayer and silence and God always shows up in big ways. He is battling this anxiety with me. I continue to be amazed at His ability to give me peace through the scriptures and through the events going on around me. Whatever I need, when I take it to prayer, God answers me. It's not always the immediate answer to my problem. In fact, rarely do I get an answer like that. I find comfort in the words He speaks to me though. I never understood prayer like this until about a year ago. I've learned God will really talk to me if I give Him the chance to do so! (He might also tell me to do seemingly crazy things like homeschool my kids! Ha! Speaking of, what an unexpected blessing that has been for our family! If you want to hear that story, you'll need to read prior posts.) I know that whatever God asks of me, no matter how difficult or how hard to understand, He is there beside me just waiting for me to ask for His assistance. He wants to console me. He wants to help me! I only have to ask. Only God can give me the peace I desire. I realize I am blessed in this situation and I pray for all of those who are working on the front lines and for those who find themselves unexpectedly battling this disease. I pray everyone will find the peace of Christ through their sufferings.
"As a deer longs for flowing streams, so longs my soul for you, O God." Psalm 42:1
"Praise the Lord! Praise, O servants of the Lord; praise the name of the Lord. Blessed be the name of the Lord from this time on and forevermore. From the rising of the sun to its setting the name of the Lord is to be praised. The Lord is high above all nations, and His glory above the heavens.
Who is like the Lord our God who is seated on high, who looks far down on the heavens and the earth? He raises the poor from the dust, and lifts the needy from the ash heap, to make them sit with princes, with the princes of his people. He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!" Psalm 113
Ayla's painting, March 31, 2020
